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可事情的走向从话题的脱轨开始,就已经不在我的掌控范围内了。
“那,”她脸上抗拒和不解神色明显,但最终选择让步,提要求的口吻甚至有些卑微:“你愿不愿意带他来见见我?”
完全在预想之外的回应,她把姿态放得很低,在向我示弱。
但她的儿子铁石心肠,对于裴雁来,我一分都不能退。
“不了,我不愿意。”
她还想坚持,“小山,我只是想见见你的朋友,仅此而已。”
我和她对视,此刻简直有些不近人情:“他很好,不需要得到任何人的认可。”
我妈颓然地背对着我靠在调料柜旁,很久都没再说一句话。
碗筷都刷干净了,事情也都已经说清楚,我没有留下的必要。
离开时,我妈和高凯站在门口送我。走进电梯前,我妈追上来,问我,真的只能这样了么?
我不知道她问的是生疏的母子关系,还是喜欢男人这件事,但这不重要,答案都一样。
“这样就很好。”
我眼看她突然崩溃大哭,蹲在地上,哭到几乎上不来气,高凯连忙把她抱在怀里。屋里两个睡觉的孩子被惊醒,揉着眼叫妈妈,也凑上来。
一家四口和和美美,还不够吗?
我站在那儿会显得多余,人有趋利避害的本能,所以适时抽身大抵是合适的选择。
高凯搂住她:“小山,你先回去吧,她现在情绪不太稳定,我照顾她,你别担心。”
两个孩子呆愣愣地看着我,我点点头,很平静地说:“好,再见。”
电梯门合上,我和厢体一起向下坠落,最终落在地面,惊起人眼难以察觉的浮尘。
我没打车,着呆,花了几个小时走路回到裴雁来的房子,第一件事就是去浴室。
我洗了澡,然后把自己埋在干燥浴缸里,因为疲惫,所以蜷缩起来。但吊灯就在头顶,我很快被刺激地流出眼泪。
所以我从浴缸里起身,拧开水龙头,将洗手池灌满,然后埋进去,任由水逐渐把我淹没。
人在水里无法呼吸,所以我变成一只长了眼睑的鱼。我并不难过,但眼泪却止不住,好在一滴水最佳的藏身之所就是一盆水,这种没来由的惨淡不会让我变得狼狈。
喘不过气了,我就浮上来,喘够了气,再沉下去。
这样反反复复很多次,也不知道泡了多久,以至于裴雁来把我捞起来的时候,我脸上的皮肤都开始起皱。
浴室的门开合后,我茫然地弓着腰,睁开眼,被裴雁来拎着领子抓起来。
像抓一条不听话的家犬。
我伸手还想去碰水龙头,他却在半道截住。
“你跟着胡律这么久,难道没见过尸检?淹死的人死状都很惨。”他心情很差,按住我,又把我往水里埋:“你想变成那样,是么。”
自己沉下去和外力作用体感差异很大。
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