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虽然她从不在意四周倾慕的,艳羡的,或是嫉妒的目光和无处不在的窃窃私语。充其量只能算清秀的我,不及她万一。无论是外貌,还是那种对什么都无谓的态度。我小时候个子十分矮小,长相跟性格也不讨人喜欢,好在我们并无什么亲眷,我亦无须为此大伤脑筋。我曾经奇怪,母亲虽然身材匀停,但个子并不高,而我,从十四岁那年起,就一天比一天蹿得更高,我所有的衣服,一季之后必定嫌短,所以,母亲历来不会为我过多置办衣物,我期待她像别人的母亲那样欣喜,哪怕是带着浓浓抱怨的欣喜也好,但是,她仅仅淡淡说过几次:&ldo;你不能再长了。&rdo;她事不关己地,&ldo;女孩子长得太高,不是好兆头。&rdo;我一开始,曾经为她的冷漠伤心过,后来时间长了,逐渐麻木。而所有母亲给予我的所有忧伤,抵不上十岁那年发生的一件事。我有一个很要好的朋友小雨,她是香港来的移民,父母开着一家洗衣店。她相貌平平,成绩中庸,但是,她心甘情愿帮我做很多事,我习惯了她的相伴,习惯了她的温顺,习惯了跟她讲任何事,包括倾诉母女关系的疏淡。我跟她,比我跟母亲还要亲得多。突然有一天,她开始躲着我。我发觉,直截了当问她,她嗫嚅半晌,终于开口:&ldo;我爸妈不让我跟你再在一起玩。&rdo;我错愕:&ldo;为什么?&rdo;她父母是那种无根无基,对谁都无比谦卑的典型移民。她犹豫了半天,终于开口:&ldo;他们说你……&rdo;她涨红了脸,难以启齿的样子,最终还是呐呐地,&ldo;是私生女。&rdo;后来我才知道,其实他们说的那两个字是:野种。那天,素来好强的我,一路哭着回家。一直以来,母亲只是简单告诉我,父亲一早去世。我疑惑过,但她的冷漠教我不敢探询下去。回到家中,堂屋里站着一个剑拔弩张的妇人,她浓妆艳抹,表情夸张,正在破口大骂着什么,母亲端坐在正中央的椅子上,穿着暗花旗袍,垂着头,静静喝着她最爱的花茶。她甚至连头都未曾稍抬。我被那种诡异的气氛吓住,我悄悄站在一旁,听她骂着诸如&ldo;狐狸精&rdo;&ldo;不要脸&rdo;&ldo;勾引男人&rdo;之类的话,我的脸涨得通红,尴尬难堪无比,突然,她看到我,冲到我面前,一个字一个字,恶毒无比地:&ldo;你这个野种!!&rdo;几乎是立刻,原本表情冷漠,唇角略带轻蔑地坐在一旁的母亲突然暴起,几乎是迅雷不及掩耳地一下蹿到她面前,狠狠扬手,重重一巴掌掴过去:&ldo;回去管好你的丈夫再出来撒野!!&rdo;她卸下平日的优雅,扬高声音,&ldo;顺便告诉他,尽快办好离婚手续,我可以考虑一下他苦苦哀求了两个月的那件事!&rdo;打蛇打七寸。那个妇人先是惊愕,随即萎蘼,最终掩面而出。半晌,我回过神来,看着母亲,期期艾艾地:&ldo;……她……我到底……是不是……&rdo;她回身看我,那种骇人的眼神,我从来没看到过,她定定神,几乎是不假思索地,挥手重重给了我一个巴掌:&ldo;从现在起,再敢提一个字,你给我试试!&rdo;这是她第一次打我。她虽然待我冷淡,但从来不曾打过我。我被她铁青的脸色唬住了。我退回自己房中,一个晚上都没有出来吃饭,她也不理睬我。半夜时分,我饿得实在吃不消,悄悄出来找东西吃,听到她房里传来压抑的抽泣声,整整一夜。第二天中午,她若无其事地来敲我的门:&ldo;若棠,牛津街今天50%起减价,陪我去看看。&rdo;我不声不响陪她出门。自此,我们心照不宣,再也不谈那个话题。因为我发现,原来,她也有软弱的一面。那一夜,我突然长大。十七岁那年,我考上伦敦艺术大学,母亲很高兴,破天荒为我在家里开派对庆祝。没过多久,她问我:&ldo;想不想回中国去玩玩?&rdo;我正沉醉于大学生活带来的新鲜感中,自由无拘束的环境和氛围,无数新奇的派对和课余活动,越来越多的新朋友。进大学没多久,室友就告诉我:&ldo;他们都觉得你很美。&rdo;我哑然失笑。老外的审美观点,总是很奇特。就像后来在欧美走红的一个中国模特一样,在东西方,得到的是两种迥然不同的评价。不过,不可否认的是,这句话,大大满足了我的虚荣心,所以,当母亲那么问的时候,我犹豫:&ldo;……中国?&rdo;
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