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她在年老时,赖雅数次中风,都得爱玲的悉心照料才康复,很难想像这个在上海连自己都不会照顾的女子,是怎样学着慢慢去照顾别人。女子亦是会长成女人的,她当自己是他的妻了。如果没有爱玲,那个善良热情的老头可能永远无法进入中国人的视野。偌大一个美国,整个西方世界里,有如此之多热情的老人,却与遥远的东方无关,与中国无涉。他改变了爱玲,影响了中国。他却至死也不知。红玫瑰与白玫瑰一日看书,有人将爱玲与胡兰成比做&ldo;旧时的才子佳人&rdo;。乍看,很有些不破不立的味道。又说这俩人的种种情爱,大抵不过一个是春心萌动的少女,一个是风流成性的情场荡子。相爱,不过是一对自恋的人,&ldo;龙华会上巧得见,金风玉露一相逢&rdo;的结果。看下去,心底终是怏怏不乐。觉得这样的评论,比我们这些游走在故纸堆里拨拉垃圾、拾人牙慧的还要无聊。不论写爱玲的人有几许,她的事被说烂了几遭,我想爱玲是能原谅我们的。她本就不是爱计较的女子。我们这些人也可自我原谅,因为从心底或是爱她,或是惜她,或是敬她,或是懂她。至少不会为了表显自己的与众不同而排遣爱玲。论人,先必意诚,而后才能两两相望,彼此心照。我想,那人也许不知爱玲是多么情意深重的人。对胡兰成如是,对赖雅更是如是。&ldo;振保的生命里有两个女人,他说一个是他的白玫瑰,一个是他的红玫瑰。一个是圣洁的妻,一个是热烈的情妇‐‐普通人向来是这样把节烈两个字分开来讲的。&ldo;也许每一个男子全都有过这样的两个女人,至少两个。娶了红玫瑰,久而久之,红的变了墙上的一抹蚊子血,白的还是&lso;c黄前明月光&rso;;娶了白玫瑰,白的便是衣服上的一粒饭粘子,红的却是心口上的一颗朱砂痣。&rdo;她在《红玫瑰和白玫瑰》里如是说。后来我却发现,缔造这段名言的主‐‐爱玲亦是这样的姻缘。与振保不同,她一生中的两个男人都是她用自己心血浇灌的,俯仰无愧的壮丽。清酒一盏,月色昏沉。你我素手纤纤,且把那只红玫瑰来赏。你看他,娇艳欲滴,如花解语。&ldo;对人如对花,虽日日相见,亦竟是新相知。&rdo;这是他的话,一如既往让人惊艳,如他本身艳如红玫瑰,情场上纵横,寂寞得不见对手。这个人,从相逢的那一刻起,注定成了她心口的朱砂痣。谁叫她恋他儒雅端然,谁叫她恋他博学敏思,谁叫她恋他趣而多闻,恋他&ldo;君子如响&rdo;。她爱上他是一种激情的喷发,无可逃避。暗沉晦涩,少女时代的情感累积如洪,他的到来令闸门打开,情感之流一泻千里。他是上海艳阳,温暖爱玲的心底暗伤,照得她如生如死。她在上海的街道,弄堂里,翩然起舞,变成了一个天真快乐的女子。真是爱了,无论长久,至少给她带了快乐。爱情的丰盛,有些人一辈子也无法体验,他们只是暮暮地爱,暮暮地凋谢。而她毕竟因他盛放过。所以爱玲不怨不恨。她知道他是自己独一无二的红玫瑰。因着《今生今世》的缘故,我对胡兰成的印象要比对赖雅深得多,且不论胡的人品如何,至少他在才情博学上,是与爱玲相当的。对于赖雅,我却知之甚少。想必也有他们的情分。而现在,我只是在想:赖雅能够懂爱玲么?即使懂,又懂多少?两个人可会在灯下紧挨着,细语喁喁?可会谈&ldo;红楼&rdo;论&ldo;诗经&rdo;,可有如同弃了尸身的惊动?可会在一起看印度壁画及日本浮世绘?这样的娇音谑语,她给了她的红玫瑰,还能再给别人吗?那个人再好,亦只是俗世相携相扶,蹒跚到老,再不能神交意会,照胆照心了。赖雅更像她的白玫瑰,色彩淡得只能用生命的余光去描摹,不能轻不能重,笔笔是慎重。红玫瑰的花期已过,就要渐渐接受平淡,接受c黄前那一抹明月光。十年生死两茫茫。后来胡兰成虽写信去撩她,有重修旧好的心思,爱玲却有季布一诺的果决和伯牙摔琴的洁烈。两个人断无重续前缘的可能另外。我恍惚听见爱玲说:我的生命里有两个男人,一个是我的红玫瑰,一个是我的白玫瑰。这两个人我都不负。&ldo;生死契阔,与子成说&rdo;,这样苍凉的誓言,壮烈的诗句,我是尽力去完成了‐‐用我的人生。
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