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王铮心不在焉地点点头,说:&ldo;那又怎样,我要去看于萱。&rdo;&ldo;你不能去。&rdo;徐文耀耐心地说,&ldo;她现在还在抢救,你去了,也不过坐在外面等,帮不了忙。放心,一有结果,我会立即过来告诉你。&rdo;王铮摇头,哑声说:&ldo;我要在离她近的地方。&rdo;&ldo;王铮,你要让我再遗憾吗?&rdo;徐文耀低喝一声,攥紧他的手,咬牙说,&ldo;一个于萱,癌症晚期也不说,我想起来已经够难过的了,现在你也要跟她一样胡来吗?你到底知不知道什么叫遗憾,啊?无可挽回的事你嫌我经历的太少了吗?&rdo;&ldo;可我想不起来,&rdo;王铮哽咽着说,&ldo;我想不起来她最后跟我说的一句话是什么,我不能就这么告别……&rdo;&ldo;你听我说,于萱已经用她的方式,早就跟你说过再见了,你想不起来吗?她在这里喝你做的汤,试穿裙子给你看,让你照下她各种傻样,冲你笑,跟你闹,她这不都是在跟你告别吗?&rdo;王铮一眨眼,蓄满已久的泪水直直落下,徐文耀叹了口气,伸手挡住他的眼睛,说:&ldo;哭吧,没人笑话你。&rdo;就在此时,闯进来一个穿着军装的年轻军人,他进门就对徐文耀轻声说:&ldo;徐哥……&rdo;徐文耀回头问:&ldo;怎么啦?于萱怎么样?&rdo;&ldo;她去了。抢救无效,时间是晚上九点二十三分。&rdo;霎时间,徐文耀呆了,王铮忘了哭,就连事不关己的李天阳,脑子里也一片空白。由于于萱生前的坚持,她的遗体很快被烧成骨灰,并会被尽快送回她出生的城市,在那边,有她生前就已经选好的墓穴,她甚至写过一张条子,仔细记载了她希望最后说穿的是哪条裙子,怎么打扮,如果有遗体告别仪式,她喜欢人们从哪个角度看她最后一眼。她的设想周到细致,令活着的人很惭愧,因为最后能自发为她做的事,显得很少。她甚至明令,不希望王铮来送她最后一程,因为连王铮的发病也在她的预计范围内,她留下的话很于萱式:哭哭啼啼什么的最烦了,都别来吵我。王铮显得很配合,他一言不发地遵从了于萱的意愿,按照于萱的想法,去灵堂最后看了她打扮得美美的一次;按照于萱的想法,不去送她的骨灰上飞机;他甚至于没有流泪,因为于萱说过,她这辈子,不想过哪怕一秒钟,类似肥皂剧的恶寒剧情。王铮想起,很多年前,他跟于萱一起在饭堂吃饭,电视机里转播着在国外意外死难的中国记者遗体回国时的情景:年老的父亲抱着女儿蒙着黑纱的画像哀嚎得肝肠寸断,周围的人不得不用力将他搀扶着,镜头不遗余力地拉近他的脸,父亲脸上鼻涕眼泪一把流,哭得分外狼狈,而正是这样不加掩饰的哀恸,周围的人无不闻者伤心。就连坐在他们身边的女同学,都悄悄红了眼圈。但于萱使劲盯着屏幕,然后回头用不无惊诧的神情问王铮,如果她是那位父亲,身在其中,却没办法哭出来该怎么办?气氛如此哀伤,镜头内外成千上万双眼睛盯着你,都在默默地期待看到痛哭流涕,老泪纵横的一幕,都在等着你的哭嚎,来共同完成哀痛的仪式,来将痛苦神圣化,在那样的情况下,个人情绪必须被夸大,必须通过一些大家都认可的哀伤的方式来表达,如果不这样,你就是在跟所有人心里面的神圣化仪式做对。但问题在于,在众人面前痛苦流涕到毫无尊严可言,这种感情真实吗?它难道就是表达哀恸的唯一方式?&ldo;我很小的时候死了母亲,我没在她的葬礼上大声哭泣,大家都视我为无情无心的怪物。&rdo;于萱随后抽着烟,冷淡地告诉王铮,&ldo;那时候我不明白,我明明早三个月就已经知道她要死,而且是死于无法挽回的意外,为什么我却要表演得好像我被骤然打击到痛不欲生?&rdo;抽烟的于萱总是比不抽烟的于萱显得淡漠,有种源于骨子里的沧桑从二十岁的年轻身体中弥漫出来,她弹烟灰的姿势总让王铮产生一种错觉,似乎不是在弹烟灰,而是在将体内的某种阴郁借着这个动作耍出去。&ldo;我有自己的方式怀念她,我爱她这点毋庸置疑,但我不想用大家期待的那种方式去嚎叫,我做不出来这种事,我有错?&rdo;她挑着眉毛,斜觑着看向王铮,大有如果你敢答是我就不放过你的姿态,王铮笑了,摇头说你没错。

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