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说完这句,王铮犹如用完了力气一样,靠在沙发背上,微微仰头,他闭着眼,再做很慢很慢的深呼吸,吸入,吐出,吸入,再吐出。他用这种方式缓解心脏旧患处带来的疼痛,没有太明显的效果,但聊胜于无。内心那处真实又无法显像的伤口,由于长久未愈,发作起来犹如病症,最严重时,突如其来的痛感能令他意识在瞬间陷入空白,眼睛不得不闭上,人像骤然被拖入黑暗的甬道,四肢皮肤会犹如接触地下墓穴中阴寒的风而立即紧缩。长久以来一个人生活,不得不用深呼吸和放松肢体的方法来与之抗衡,久而久之,王铮摸索出一套对付这种疼痛的方法,那就是将痛感置之不理,脑子里拼命回想夏日悠长的午后,在老家,老式的单位宿舍有一道长长的,望得见河堤的走廊。父亲在对着自家门口的走廊外用水泥糊了一个花槽,种上两棵最常见的凤尾竹。它们以惊人的速度疯长,只用了一个夏天,就窜得比成年男子还高。那个时候,自己就在竹子前搭着小小的桌子和板凳,一边咬着铅笔写功课,一边当母亲的问话是耳边风。生性懦弱的儿子,虽然从来不敢违抗严厉的母亲,但是却也有自己不为人知的消极反抗方式,那就是在她嚷嚷着吃饭啦睡觉啦的时候,故意拖延,或者装没听见。听着母亲那把穿透力极强的声音空空落落地回荡,王铮蹲在楼梯拐角处,暗暗偷笑。&ldo;短命仔,耳朵聋了啊,耳朵生来干嘛的?叫你怎么不应,你想气死你妈啊?&rdo;母亲总是一边骂着,一边飞快把他拽进屋子,手劲很大,拽得人生疼,什么温柔贤淑跟他母亲一点没沾边,可晚饭桌上,炖鸡的两个鸡腿,却也一定会落在他碗里。但在漫长而脆弱的成长期,儿子记住的,往往是母亲那一拽有多疼,却很容易忽略,自己的母亲做了那么多回炖鸡,从来没尝过,鸡腿到底做得怎么样。王铮猛地睁开了眼睛。李天阳不知何时紧挨着他坐,一脸担忧地看着他,问:&ldo;小铮,你觉得怎样,你脸色看起来很差。&rdo;王铮格开他伸过来试探额头的手,哑声说:&ldo;没事,老毛病了。&rdo;&ldo;你以前没这个毛病啊,这是怎么了?头疼还是头晕?你倒是说说,咱们找医院看去,别小病等会给耽搁成大病。&rdo;李天阳的声音不可不谓温柔体贴,很久以前,当他还愿意用这种声音这么对王铮的时候,那个王铮,确乎感到如沐春风的暖意,也是那个王铮,义无反顾地为了这个声音,跟自己的家决裂,断了后路,一心一意要跟着一个男人。仿佛以为,有这个男人的温柔嗓音包围,哪怕跟自己父母再无往来,也值得。值得。但什么是值得?失去的,是不可或缺,不能替代的存在,父母也好,思乡的情绪也好,遥远的家的回忆也好,这种缺失,是任一个男人,任一种感情,都无法填补。王铮再一次凝视李天阳的脸,心里的痛感逐渐扩大,他站了起来,弱声说:&ldo;说的好,我不去吃年夜饭了,你跟我哥嫂说一声,我去医院。&rdo;&ldo;你去医院干嘛?小铮,你等等!&rdo;李天阳忍不下去了,他站起来,一把抓紧王铮的胳膊,问,&ldo;你难道连跟我吃个年夜饭都忍不下去吗?&rdo;王铮微微颤抖,默不作声。&ldo;你到底要我怎么样啊?&rdo;李天阳痛苦地低喊了一句,收紧胳膊就把他往自己怀里带,他顾不上了,原本还想着慢慢来,循序渐进,但忽然间乱套了,顾不上那么多。他想抱这个人,但王铮忽然挣扎起来,默不作声,却拼命挣扎,两人推搡的过程中,李天阳被他一把推倒在沙发上,想上去把人钳制住不是太大问题,但他不敢造次。王铮微微喘气,居高临下瞪着他,拳头紧攥,李天阳与他对持着,突然之间一跃而起,将王铮拉倒在沙发上,想也不想,唇便压了上去。碰到王铮,他才发现,原来心里的渴求竟然这么大。往事不单单折磨王铮一个人,他李天阳也不好过,人这一辈子,可能遇上的人很多,令你如疾风骤雨一般陷入癫狂的人也有,让你心动得不知道怎么靠近的人也有,但能牢牢占据你记忆的能几个?记忆的形成,首先就得投入大量的时间,在你数得上的好年月里,用对方给予你确凿无疑的爱来搭建框架,再用数不尽的温情细节来添砖加瓦,这些东西才构成真正的记忆,这个记忆,是铭刻入骨的,没法忘怀。
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